word of the week
Word Of The Week

Word Of The Week – Overwhelmed

This week my word of the week is

Overwhelmed

I always try to keep things positive on the blog because I found that when Ethan’s diagnosis was looming it kept me going. I never want Ethan to read this blog in the future and think that he was a burden to us in any way. He is far from that, he had changed our lives in many ways and he has taught us so much about ourselves and life in general. As much as I hate to see the struggles he faces, I wouldn’t change him for the world. Of course the gift of communication would be a bonus for him but that is slowly coming, fingers crossed.

Since the realization that autism was part of our world I have gone through many emotions and I find that my mood can be very up and down at the best of times. It is a known fact that with an autism diagnosis you can typically go through the following emotions, shock, grief, anger, denial, loneliness and hopefully at some point get to a point of acceptance.

I find that I can hit any of these emotions even now and it’s the smallest things that can set them off.

Add these emotions to a pregnancy, a pregnancy that I was trying not to think about because I couldn’t believe that I was having a little girl and the thought of the c-section scared the life out of me. It has been a roller coaster few years emotionally for me.

At the start of this year I started to have anxiety attacks, mostly brought on by my fear of Ethan’s future and what is going to happen to him when we are no longer here to look after him. My doctors believe that I have been battling depression for a few years and it has turned itself into anxiety. I actually went to see someone about it and started to feel better.

Then the summer holidays hit with a bang and the intense relationship that I have with Ethan completely knocked me sideways. The break from school was also a shock to him and those first few weeks were quite bumpy.

Emotionally I was all over the place and I had to turn away from my social media channels. Sorry to all my twitter followers I know it has been quiet over there! I really thought that in September everything would easily get back on track and this really hasn’t happened.

This week we were invited to Ethan’s school for a Harvest Festival Assembly and I was so excited to see how Ethan is getting on but it pushed me out of the bubble I have created. The assembly included older children at the school and my fears of Ethan’s future started to bubble.

The truth be-know is that I am a control freak, I like to know where my life is going and have a clear picture of the future we are heading towards in my mind. Autism doesn’t let you do this. It takes everything thought you knew and makes you live only in the present. My control freak planning struggles with this which really doesn’t help with my anxiety.

This trip to school made me have another anxiety attack the following day. I was so angry with myself and it has left me feeling overwhelmed for most of the week.

The Reading Residence

12 Comments

  • The Reading Residence

    I think the pressure to keep going day in day out without allowing stress or emotions to consume us can get to us all from time to time, and you sound like you’ve had a mountain of it in recent times. It’s understandable you’d feel overwhelmed, so do take the time out that you need. Sending hugs x Thanks for sharing with #WotW

  • Iona@redpeffer

    Oh bless you. You know, it is perfectly OK to feel the way you are-and please don’t get cross with yourself for having an anxiety attack. If you read my post today you might see that we’re possibly not that far apart in our emotions currently. Take care of yourself-you are doing a fantastic job. But remember to take care of yourself (this coming from someone who is awful at doing that!) xx

  • Louise

    So sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed this week and that the anxiety has resurfaced. I can empathise with the struggle of not being able to have a clear picture of the future that you are comfortable with and I can imagine that living with autism is not easy at the best of times. You do come across as very positive on your blog and your love for both your children is something that shines through very strongly even when you are at your most honest about the struggles. Sending you hugs and hope that this weekend and next week will be less overwhelming for you xx

  • Mrs TeePot

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety, it’s something I deal with too, though for different reasons.
    I really hope that next week feels less overwhelming and sees you feeling stronger again.
    I wish I had some wise words about the future or autism to help you, but I’m afraid I don’t. Just lots of strength coming your way.

  • Kim Carberry

    Sending big hugs….The fear of the unknown can be so worrying. I know it’s easy to say try not to worry about things which haven’t happened yet but the worry can eat you up….Thinking of you and I hope things are easier soon x

  • Helena

    Oh dear I’m sorry to hear that you have been experiencing anxiety attacks. I too like to be in control of things and feel frustrated if things don’t turn out as I thought they would in my head. #WotW

  • Karen

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling overwhelmed. It happens to all of us at some point or another.. or several points.. or every other week. I learned a long time ago that things will never turn out how I might think no matter how hard I might try to influence it. I still have moments now when I think maybe.. but then it doesn’t. However.. sometimes.. every now and again it does. And when it does the feeling of joy is 10 times more than you imagine. Nothing is guaranteed with kids, especially ours. But I will say give Ethan time and you will be amazed at the things he’ll be doing 🙂 Hugs x

  • tracey at Mummyshire

    Oh Jane, it sounds like you’ve really taken everything on your shoulders. You’re doing an amazing job and you have support around you – and via the Blog. I think you’re right, when we have children we have to sometimes just let things go and accept thoughts/ideas/actions won’t always turn out they way we wanted them to in our heads. Possibly one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn and I still don’t (always!) accept it easily!
    Hope you have a better week
    xx
    #WoTW

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