This week my word of the week is
I always try to keep things positive on the blog because I found that when Ethan’s diagnosis was looming it kept me going. I never want Ethan to read this blog in the future and think that he was a burden to us in any way. He is far from that, he had changed our lives in many ways and he has taught us so much about ourselves and life in general. As much as I hate to see the struggles he faces, I wouldn’t change him for the world. Of course the gift of communication would be a bonus for him but that is slowly coming, fingers crossed.
Since the realization that autism was part of our world I have gone through many emotions and I find that my mood can be very up and down at the best of times. It is a known fact that with an autism diagnosis you can typically go through the following emotions, shock, grief, anger, denial, loneliness and hopefully at some point get to a point of acceptance.
I find that I can hit any of these emotions even now and it’s the smallest things that can set them off.
Add these emotions to a pregnancy, a pregnancy that I was trying not to think about because I couldn’t believe that I was having a little girl and the thought of the c-section scared the life out of me. It has been a roller coaster few years emotionally for me.
At the start of this year I started to have anxiety attacks, mostly brought on by my fear of Ethan’s future and what is going to happen to him when we are no longer here to look after him. My doctors believe that I have been battling depression for a few years and it has turned itself into anxiety. I actually went to see someone about it and started to feel better.
Then the summer holidays hit with a bang and the intense relationship that I have with Ethan completely knocked me sideways. The break from school was also a shock to him and those first few weeks were quite bumpy.
Emotionally I was all over the place and I had to turn away from my social media channels. Sorry to all my twitter followers I know it has been quiet over there! I really thought that in September everything would easily get back on track and this really hasn’t happened.
This week we were invited to Ethan’s school for a Harvest Festival Assembly and I was so excited to see how Ethan is getting on but it pushed me out of the bubble I have created. The assembly included older children at the school and my fears of Ethan’s future started to bubble.
The truth be-know is that I am a control freak, I like to know where my life is going and have a clear picture of the future we are heading towards in my mind. Autism doesn’t let you do this. It takes everything thought you knew and makes you live only in the present. My control freak planning struggles with this which really doesn’t help with my anxiety.
This trip to school made me have another anxiety attack the following day. I was so angry with myself and it has left me feeling overwhelmed for most of the week.