Emotionally I find that I am very up and down each week, I start the week quite positive and by Thursday and Friday I can be very low. I sometimes think this may be linked to looking forward to being able to spend time with Darren at the weekends, as the week days can feel very long without him.
I’m also sure it is linked to Ethan’s diagnosis and those terrible feelings of guilt that I can’t shake. Mostly because I feel like I should be filling our days with activity after activity, and every hour Ethan spends on the iPad I feel I’m going further down the ‘terrible’ mother road.
I know that this isn’t humanly possible, I have things that I need to do and Ethan needs to have time to be a child. I also know that Ethan has learnt so much from playing on the iPad, this has been proved to us over and over again.
Friday morning wasn’t good.
I was low because I felt that I hadn’t talked to Ethan enough that morning. Looking back today I know that this is stupid, we had spent the morning making cakes and icing them, me talking as we went. The thing that makes me feel low is at times I can feel so lonely, which is madness as I can quite happily be a hermit. I also lived on my own for over a year so I have learnt to be comfortable with my own company, but the feeling of loneliness really stems from Ethan being non-verbal.
It’s a very strange feeling to be in someones company and not be able to hold a conversation with them. In a way it’s like being ignored. Then when you feel like you haven’t even tried to talk to them for a few hours as they have been busy playing on the iPad and you have been composing this weeks food shop the feelings of guilt flood through you. I should be doing more! What can I do to help him talk?! A never ending circle of guilt and failure all rolled up for you right there.
Out of sheer desperation I decided to put on the iPod to break the silence. As always I picked American Anthems to load the dishwasher too. Ethan, always my shadow, plonked himself on the kitchen floor waiting for me to complete the task.
Then something wonderful happened that really lifted my mood.
Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac started to play and Ethan started to jump around the kitchen, his dancing. So I decided to join him. We played the song three times and jumped and spun around the kitchen to every note. It really brightened the day and made me feel so much better. A fantastic Magic Moment when feeling so low.
I won’t go into too much detail about how knackered this made me feel, proving to me that I need to get fitter, and the fact that I pulled something in my back doing this. The feeling of magic from this little moment outweighs all the pain!
Sorry you have been feeling low but so glad the music made it all better 🙂
You. Made. Cakes. And iced them. And you are a bad mum? God, you should come over to my house sometimes Jane. How can you possibly do more? Why would you even try? Give him the iPad, it’s really not all bad. My Yon learned everything he knows about letters (sounds, names, etc) from the iPad. It didn’t matter how much I’ve tried to teach him, he wouldn’t learn from me. But from the iPad, he did.
He loves watching old movies I took of us, where I am talking, and where he can see himself as a baby. I am just saying that because you have so many videos, you can try that also.
But what I really want to say – loneliness is tough. I really understand loneliness, and how hard it is to feel that you are all alone. But you aren’t, and hey, I am always here (where would I go now that my kids are full time at school???) just a tweet / message away! x
Sounds like you are maybe putting extra pressure on yourself! So glad that the music lightened the mood and made you feel better. A really magical moment!
awww Jane you are no way at all a bad mum!! its isolating being a stay at home mum at the best of times but with Ethan non verbal it certainly would more isolating than ever. Your doing a fantastic job, Ethan is really coming on in leaps and bounds, literally by the sounds of it!
Thanks for linking up with #MagicMoments x
popped back my lovely for #PoCoLo x
Never, ever feel guilty for getting on and doing the things that you need to do and never feel guilty about use of the iPad – bet Ethan is very happy – you sound like a brilliant mum. Oh and I reckon tiredness has a lot to do with feeling down by the end of the week, so maybe plan the week so that Friday can be a little bit more low key and take the pressure off x
I do understand this as my girl talked really late (and still has speech difficulties) and I remember crying as I wondered if she would ever be able to tell me that she loved me (how selfish was I?!). I also know that ipad guilt – but really, these are great devices for our children and I think mine have learned so much from them, so I try not to feel too guilty. We probably don’t go out to the park as often as most, but it’s just not that easy for us so we have to roll with what we’ve got 🙂 Cake making earns you extra brownie points anyhow 😉
x
It is strange that no matter what you do as a Mum, you continuously feel guilty – someone told me once that this is the sign of a great Mum! I can empathise with so many of these feelings. It is the moments like dancing that somehow make everything you go through worthwhile. A beautiful post, thank you for linking to PoCoLo x
There’s always something special about dancing with one’s children! Don’t be too hard on yourself especially as you sound like a wonderful mum.