I don’t know if it is the Autism diagnosis or just becoming a mum, but age is something that really concerns me now.
Age for me means getting older, getting older means we have less time on this planet. Which in turn means that one day we will no longer be here to look after our children. They will be left without us!
It’s funny because when you are younger all you want to do is grow up and get older. I remember being so excited when it was my tenth birthday, I had finally hit double digits. Now I don’t really keep track of my age, if someone asks me how old I am I have to take a moment to work it out. I stopped counting when I was 30, I was pregnant with Ethan, every birthday after that hasn’t been important to me.
I’m also very conscious that our children aren’t children for long. I look back at my wedding photos and my niece was a little girl when we got married. In the few short years that we have been married she is now taking exams and talking about what she is going to do next in her education. She is growing up, very quickly!
So in my head we have a few short years to enjoy the magic of childhood. A few short years for fairy tales, magic and wonder.
When Ethan was born I never had this fear of leaving him behind. It’s a fact of life that we all have to leave people behind at some point. His diagnosis has brought with it my massive fear of leaving him behind. He is so dependant on us and I’m so worried that no one will look after him like we will.
We talk about Ethan’s age a lot, do you think he will be able to do such and such by the time he is fifteen etc. Perhaps age for me represents the future and for me Ethan’s future is unknown and a very scary place.