As Ethan is getting older it can sometimes get quite frustrating that he can’t tell us what he wants. This past weekend really has highlighted non-verbal frustration.
On Thursday Ethan decided that he didn’t really want to eat and was sick. On Friday he decided that not only did he not want to eat he didn’t want to drink either. When he was sick again I knew it was time to call NHS direct. The non-verbal frustration comes when they ask you if his tummy hurts and I have no idea. He can’t tell me if it hurts. We are yet you work out a way for him to tell me. To be honest, Ethan is only just starting to indicate that he wants things. He does this by leading us to places. For example, if it’s time to put on the Mickey Mouse Club House DVD he takes us to the DVD player. So I think we are a long way off him showing us that any part of his body is hurting!
So they suggested that we take him to the local walk-in centre. After not being able to find anything wrong we were sent home. What followed was a weekend of Ethan not wanting to eat or drink. Causing us great concern and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. I never knew that I would think of speech as such a luxury!
After taking him to A&E last night. Having a four and a half hour wait we finally discovered the problem. Ethan has tonsillitis and I have never felt so relieved to know why he didn’t want to eat or drink.
It has really made me think how much we do second guess Ethan’s actions. We are always trying to work out his wants and needs. The fact that he can’t tell us if he is ill and we can’t help him sooner makes me feel like a terrible mother.
I know that there is a possibility that Ethan may never talk. That it will take a long time and before we knew about his possible autism being confirmed. My frame of mind was and still is he will talk when he is ready.
The selfish side of me craves to know if my little boy will ever be able to call me mummy. Or even tell me that he loves me. My dream for Ethan a year ago was that he gets a good job when he is older. My dream for him now is speech. Something so simple, yet for some can be so out of reach!
If these are only my frustrations I can’t even begin to imagine what Ethan’s are!
For now, Ethan is on the mend. He is as happy as ever he is my amazing little boy and always will be.
How frightening for you. I’m so pleased he’s on the mend now.x
Oh Jane 🙁 my heart breaks for you when I read this. I know it was some time ago, and I know Ethan is doing great and is striding forward beautifully, but man this post hit me hard. It’s the line about wishing him the simplest things, like speech, that hit me in the stomach. It’s the change in the perspective. An easier road. A normal life. The ability to go down the stairs. The ability to read the numbers on the bus. I wished them all in one moment or other. I blamed myself for him not having them at one point or another. I know exactly where you are coming from, and I know both of us are not going anywhere.
If it’s any consolation, and I know it really isn’t, my eldest, who has the ability to speak two languages, can never say what hurts him… It’s always a guessing game. And he’s 8!
x